I know, a guy is not meant to feel insecure. Perhaps insecurity is the wrong word to describe how I am feeling right now. Maybe someone can enlighten me.

Ever feel like anything you do may cause repercussions - little things like your friend's affection (is that even the correct word?) slowly corroding day by day, with every little action you do, until they finally realize that after all, they hate you? I don't deny - that is one of my greatest fears. Maybe it was caused by things experienced while I was growing up. Come to think of it, it is caused by that incident. Man, wish I was wise like I am *cough*.

Anyways, am I oversensitive? Whenever one of my friends do something - anything - out of the ordinary, or display negative signs of emotions; whether directed or not directed at me, I can't help but have this nagging feeling that it's caused by me. Maybe it's me, maybe it's not. I just can't help but feel that it is caused by me, and I hate this.

Wish people would just say they dislike me outright in my face, at least I won't have to guess. Damned, that previous sentence made me sound so... fragile. Meh, I believe I have more people that like me than people that dislike me, so I should be good. I hope. The English language have a word to describe people like me, (yup you guessed it!) narcissistic!

Because of this, I try to limit what I actually want to do or say, and try to be less of who I am. But no longer, fuck this shit, cause I am who I am (love this phrase). No longer will my actions be governed by what I think are the repercussions, I will do what I want to do; say what I want to say; feel how I want to feel. (Though, a modicum of thought will probably still govern what I do, just not as much.)

Live life loud!
(Heh, typing this out actually made me feel better. A therapeutic post, indeed.)

PS: Wish I could make this blog private - I know how, but I just can't do it. I like to peek into other people's life happenings, and I like others to peek into mine (weird, I know). That restricts me though, some truly private things just can't be posted here. Goddamned it; am I destined to start a diary?!